The truth about my prayer

I am not hip or cool or whatever it is kids call it these days.

I am a child. A woman. A girl. A human.

And while I often wonder if there is a god out there who has time to watch over 6 billion people and billions more animals and plants,

on one measly planet in one measly solar system in one massive universe.

I can't help it. I pray. 

I pray because I am alive. 

In a universe where there could be millions of possibilities, there is only one me.

Now isn't that a miracle by itself? 

I am a miracle, I say...a pulsating, messy miracle! I pray.

I am always afraid.

Of that boy looking at me.

Of clowns, of heights, of aeroplanes, of failing...of succeeding.

But I am afraid. Isn't that just great? 

My fear is proof that I existed.

So I pray. 

I think of that dark night huddled under the stars, watching the millions of stars sparkling over me.

It was so bloody beautiful that I never slept. I watched the sun rise and start putting out those little lights one by one.

And yet the next day, I knew those stars would come out to once again play.

How lucky am I to witness that? How can I not pray? 

I think of the people who have hurt me.

Ones that I spent many days wishing them...well I wished terrible things upon them.

But don't judge me harshly, for I am only human. 

And even though I have been hurt by many a man and woman, I still go and happily place my heart in the hands of yet another one, doomed to perhaps make the same mistakes.

Call me naive but that's ok. 

It gives me reason to pray.

I think of that day in my childhood past when I should have died.

Confronted by a monster both real and at once imaginary, my feet carried me to safety.

My heart carried those scars but they too will heal one day. 

I pray. 

It's not that I am looking for something when I pray.

At least I don't think I am...

I am just grateful for what I have

It may not be much.

I am still confused about everything in my life.

And my football team may never win a trophy.

I may never marry a prince or a movie star.

And everything I have could easily be packed into two bags.

But I am here. I am part of someone's future. I am part of someone's present.

And I am already part of someone's past. 

And that means I exist for all time...infinite, like the universe.

That's gratitude my friend, for my life that is both long and incredibly short.

I smile. I pray.

And no, I don't know if there is a god out there who cares about anything I have to say.

A god who cares that I really want George R R Martin to live so I know what happens in the books that he writes.

A god who cares that I really hate Justin Beiber and I really love Jane Austin.

A god who knows that when people say hurtful things to me, I hurt for days. 

A god who cares that I really want my niece to share my love for books.

But here's what I know and while it may not be much, it's the reason I pray.

I have people I love to hug. People who may want to hug me back as well. 

I have books and music and an endless supply of television shows and movies.

I have two feet and I run. 

I have an old ancient pair of shorts, that my mom would dearly love to throw away but I keep hidden away. 

So if it so happens that one day, I meet the man or woman upstairs.
I wouldn't expect to reap the benefits of a life hopefully lived well. 

I would tell that person - dude let's hug.

You need a hug and people tell me my hugs are bloody awkward.

So let's embrace.

And pray.