You look pretty, uh...no I don't

When I was a kid, I was just plain fun. Ran around like a mess. Fought with everyone and everything. Practically drank in books after books. I was a confident kid and I knew I was a smart kid. The only thing I was never ok with? Being called pretty. Not that many did. But it made me uncomfortable even when my grandparents, my parents, my sister or close friends told me I looked nice. I just could not believe them. It's not what I saw when I saw myself. I saw me. I saw the scabs I got from falling to the ground after a boy pushed me. I saw the boycut which I hated. I saw the small scrawny kid who didn't quite (or at all) look like the girls she saw on TV.

Now why am I talking about me as a kid? Because I don't think I really got over it. The most uncomfortable I feel even today is when someone compliments me on how I look. I get awkward. I don't know what to say. In most aspects of my life, I am confident as hell. I think I am a rockstar. But call me pretty and I am cowering behind everyone else praying that no one notices how embarrassed I am. And I want to change that this year. No...I am not saying I want to turn into a vain person who is constantly talking about how beautiful she is (although I know for certain it might take an actual miracle for something like that to happen to me). But I want to be able to get comfortable in my own skin. If someone says something nice, I won't brush it off as though I have been insulted. I will be gracious and grateful. I will accept it.

I saw this incredible video where Amy Poehler has spoken about body image issues girls have (Amy Poehler talks body issues). It took me back to my own childhood when I wondered why on earth I didn't look anything like Britney Spears. I think it's important for women to accept who they are. And accept how they look. What kind of a role model will I be for my niece (who also happens to be my goddaughter), if I can't smile when someone calls me beautiful? Will I subconsciously teach her to be uncomfortable in her own skin? So I have thought long and hard about this. And that is going to be my resolution for this year. It's to be kinder to myself. I am a smart, funny, fun and ridiculously hyper individual. I am also a nice person. And I love the way I look.

ME :D :D 

Going back in time with your parents, Sholay style

For as long as I can remember, Sholay has been part of my life. Dad loves old movies and we would watch them together. Mum would roll her eyes when we would sit and watch Sholay for the "millionth time" and would shake her head and leave. When my grandparents were alive, my grandmother would sit in the corner and watch the movies along with us while pretending to pray and my grandfather would serenely sit on top of the divan and smile as I would react to every scene, every song. So, when I found out the movie was being screened in the big screen again I knew I had to drag my parents. Mum said no and then dad was worried about watching 3D with his glasses but then he changed his mind after watching all the promos and I booked tickets.

So, today, on a weekday evening, a boring Monday no else, the three of us walked down the street to the theatre to catch Sholay. I see my dad transform in front of my eyes. He goes from being just my dad to an excited young man. He is literally running because he is afraid of missing the first shot. He doesn't let my mom wear her shoes and even yells at me for messaging on the phone when I should have been hurrying after him. We enter the movie hall. There are about 15 other people along with us. Some of them young college kids and some my parents' age, eager to re-visit their past.

The movie begins. Mom and dad are completely engrossed. Dad leans over and whispers something to my mother. She giggles and whispers something back. He laughs hard when the jokes land and my mom shields her eyes when something bad happens. The two of them are lost. I feel like I am intruding into their space but they are lost in their own world. Amitabh Bachchan walks in, mom smiles despite herself. Hema Malini starts chatting too much and dad starts laughing harder. Both still remember the dialogues. Dad at one point yells the dialogue out loud unable to contain himself. The young college kids laugh and yell - "Uncle you're awesome". Dad laughs back in gratitude. I try to say something and mom shushes me. This scene is good, she sternly puts me down.

A pivotal flashback scene in the movie finds an entire family in peril in the hands of the famed dacoit, Gabbar Singh. Mom flinches and leans towards my dad. The scene plays out. They stare at the screen horrified, the way they probably were when they first saw the film. Dad looks at me and says - "When we first saw it, we just couldn't believe it. Nothing like this ever happened in Hindi films back then." Intermission time. Mum turns to me. She tells me how terrified she was when she first saw the movie. "It all felt so real. I felt so sad." Dad walks back with a glass of coffee. He seems to have forgotten to get me some water. Mom and dad share the same cup of coffee and whisper some more. I feel like I am by now forgotten.

Intermission ends. Enters the original item girl, Helen. Dad whispers something about Helen being hot to my mother. My mum in true mom style rolls her eyes and snorts. I laugh at the both of them, wondering how I hardly ever see this side of my parents anymore. They are oblivious to the rest of the world. The famous climax arrives. Mom sits there shivering. Dad is hugging himself, bracing for the one-two punch that the death of a major character brings. I am crying (I always cry at the end). Mum starts sniffing. Dad is just stoic and staring into the screen. I wonder how he felt when he saw it the first time. He after all practically hero-worshiped Amitabh Bachchan back in the day, long before I was even born. He doesn't speak a word.

The credits roll. We step out. I feel like I have never experienced a movie like this before. I ask one of the college kids to take a picture of me and my parents together. The kids look at my dad and ask him if he watched the movie in theatre when it released. "Yes," my father beams at them proudly. "It was nearly 40 years ago. I watched it in Bombay. I was a young man back then," he smiles nostalgically. Mom who is back in the real world, now drags him to the elevator before he launches on the story of how he watched Sholay for the first time. The three of us smile at each other. Dad thanks me for taking them. I say nothing. For some reason I am feeling emotional. I suddenly remember a conversation I had with someone my own age over the weekend. She said she judged my taste for wanting to watch the movie at all. She said her friends told her the movie was too boring and unrealistic. My parents' voices brings me back to the present time. Mum is telling my dad how authentic the movie felt. "Today everything is done on the computers. There are no real emotions. You just don't care when something happens on screen. Back then it was all so realistic. We felt every emotion. We were scared for the characters. They just don't make movies like that anymore." Dad nods his head vigorously in agreement. "They don't make movies like this anymore."

Saying goodbye to an unforgettable year, Uday Chopra and all

Oh what a year it has been. If ever there was a time in my life when I felt the need to quote Charles Dickens (it was the best of times, it was the worst of times), then this would be it. I learnt a lot about myself. I discovered a spine I never thought I had. I made new friends. I stood up to old ones who took advantage of me and cut out those who I thought were nothing more than negative influences in my life. I was even left a little heartbroken only to find myself being stronger than ever. Every time I found myself disenchanted due to life or job, I found a shiny pink Unicorn. I opened the Pandora's Box and found hope in the form of running. Found a new perspective and embraced myself for all the crazies I embody. I also re-discovered cycling again and found myself with a new passion. So all in all, I would say I had a fantastic year and I don't want it to end. Unlike the end of 2012, I am approaching 2014 with a fresh burst of energy. That said, I am a little sad to say goodbye to a few things from 2013. So I have made a list of them.

Uday Chopra, Shahrukh Khan
Uday Chopra quit acting. So finally the Bollywood gods listened to prayers and made it happen. But as the only person in this universe who watched Neel N Nikki in the theatres, I feel attached to this lump of muscle. I am going to miss ya Chopra man but please never come back to acting again. I watched Dhoom 3 and let me tell you, you still suck.
And Shahrukh, I will always love Raj from DDLJ but there was no cameo of Rajnikanth in Chennai Express. The movie sucked balls and could have used a little Rajni to be honest with you. Am saying goodbye to your future films (unless mom insists we watch them), and we shall always have DDLJ. Boss I really need to move on. Goodbye.

My cycle AKA Dennis Bergkamp
I love my Hercules Roadeo. I even dubbed him Bergkamp (the greatest Arsenal player of all time). But now I have decided to upgrade. So starting next year barring a few months, I shall be riding the city in a shiny new bike. But before that I intend to give Dennis Bergkamp a proper send-off and a nice home where he shall be loved. In that note, I was also sad to say goodbye to my first pair of "serious" running shoes (Structure 16 Nike). We went through a lot babe but I found a better fit :P

My hair straightener
For better or for worse, I have finally come to terms with my hair. It may be a thick mass of uncontrollable mess that constantly changes between being wavy, curly and straight, but it's mine. I love it. It's part of what makes me "me". No amount of fancy haircuts is going to a solve a problem like my hair (10 days after every haircut, it becomes the same length and same mess) but my hair represents me. I too am totally uncontrollable and completely unpredictable. And I am going to embrace that part of me and buy tons of hair scrunchies for the inevitable bad hair days.

My Robin van Persie magazine
So for over two years I have held onto this interview given by Arsenal traitor and all around jackass Robin van Persie. In that interview he promises he never dreams of leaving Arsenal and he's grateful to the fans and the club for sticking with him through years and years of injuries. I held onto the magazine because I held onto my unconditional hatred for RvP. Well, am saying goodbye to both. The magazine will find its place in the dustbin and I shall stop hating RvP. I shall always think of him as the worst kind of football vermin there is, but I have better things to do in life. But yes, I will always chuckle when he goes down the drain...which he will because he is the worst kind of human person there is (I am still allowed to hate him because it's still 2013 :P ). Ugh he is the worst. This is going to be a hard thing to say goodbye to :P

Straight but mostly human

On 11-12-13, the Supreme Court of India declared that gay sex was illegal. It pissed me off. I got angry. Angrier than I have been in a long time. I thought human rights were being violated. I thought of kids in the country who will be even more scared of coming out, so I took to social media to rage away. It's not fair, I said. Everyone gets to fall in love. I didn't get why anyone would care who someone chooses to fall in love with. But then something odd happened. This young man on a particular social media platform tells me - Why do you care? It's not like you're gay. I have seen you talk about guys all the time.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I like boys. I always have. When I was a kid, I fell in love with Shahrukh and then fell in love with Prince William and then fell in love with Prince Harry, and so on and so forth. I like flirting with boys. I like boys. I never chose it. I was just born this way. Does not make me particularly special or different. I was just born a girl who liked guys. So, why should I care if a girl gets to kiss another girl? Or if a guy gets to marry another guy? Because I am also human.

This question which was hit at me yesterday made me feel sick to my stomach. Is this why not too many people are getting angry about this issue? The usual liberal crowd on my Facebook list got mad and stayed mad but for the rest, it was rather business as usual. A few quasi liberals posted stuff on Facebook and then mumbled some lukewarm nonsense about how society should put pressure on the government and then they walked off.

So, here I am. A straight girl who thinks it's a travesty, that in my country two boys can't kiss without being hauled off to jail. Two people can't fall in love without someone calling it an abomination. How can love ever be an abomination? Love is love and family is family....whatever shape it might be. I think the Supreme Court has let down the country. I think people who crack derogatory gay jokes are fostering an inhuman environment. And I think everyone and not just the LGBT community needs to wake up and stand up for a community that is filled with human beings who are being denied the right to be themselves. I didn't choose to like boys, I just did. And that cute boy across the street also did not choose to like other boys. He was born that way. Just like me. That girl who finds companionship in another girl was also born that way, just like me. I don't get to judge them for being true to themselves.  They aren't heroes for being gay, but they are heroes for embracing who they are.

I think we need to put real criminals in jail. Rapist? Murderers? Thieves? They belong in jail. Two people in love and who want to spend their lives together? I think they belong in loving homes with understanding people surrounding them. Yes, I am straight. I can marry whomever I like because of that. I am not going to hauled into a jail anytime soon (I might for causing disruptions during football matches but that's a whole other story). But I am standing proud next to the LGBT community as a fellow human being. Gay activists don't have to be gay. They have be human. So, I promise that you (the lost soul who is reading my blog right now) can count on me to stand up for you. I shall fight on your behalf and until that day arrives when you can freely marry the one you love, I shall always be there..ready to fight. I am straight but mostly human. And this is my promise to the world.

P.S You are not alone.

The quarter life crisis

It happens to me every December. I run around rest of the year happy as a pickle and suddenly I will wake up on fine morning around December and ask myself the dreaded question - what am I doing with my life? Am I growing up? Have I changed for the better? What does life have in store for me?

Those are always scary questions but I guess this year is a bit different because I am 25. As a kid I had always figured that by 25, I would know what I wanted in life. In many ways I sit envious of people with bad lives and bad jobs. Because their lives are so bad that they know what they need to make it great someday. They have something to look forward to. But what about those with rather solid lives? What if your job does not suck? What happens when your life today is the life it has always been? A pleasant journey?

My day of questioning was today - November 28th 2013. It was just another day. I woke up early. I went to my job. I came back home. But then a nagging question kept niggling at me - "At 25 do you feel any different from when you were 15?" The truth is I really do not know. I hope I am a nicer person. I definitely do not fight as much (or at all). And I lead a very happy life. But today I have no idea where I am going next. At 15, my benchmark was simple - get through school and life will be wonderful. But now, a decade later with the rest of my life spanning endlessly in front of me, I can't help but wonder if there should be more to life than good times and good friends (although I might be the only 25 year old who complains about good times and good friends).

Am I helping people? Should I be doing more to be kind? Should I be on a crusade to save the planet? Why are kids still starving in the nation today? Should I really be spending endless hours reading useless lists on Buzzfeed? What right do I have in having a pleasant life when so many others suffer?  Will I ever feel grownup enough to not balk at responsibility? Will I ever stop being impulsive and think through my decisions in life? Will I still ask these questions when I turn 30? How about 40? Will I know the purpose of my life at 70 at least?

I don't have any of the answers yet and another year closes down on me. It's highly possible that I shall spend this time next year asking the same questions of myself and still not having the answers. Maybe the purpose of life is not about finding the right answers but about struggling through the right questions. And hopefully I shall continue asking these questions of myself throughout my life. In the meantime, I guess the goal is to live an honourable life...one filled with good times, good friends but also purpose. Here's to 2014 and the other side of 20s. 

Why I think Ram Leela is a dangerous film

There is an extended scene in the bloated Sanjay Leela Bhansali film, Ram-Leela, which features a woman running. She's wearing a gorgeous lehenga that fills the frames as it sways. Her dupatta is flying behind her. The picturisation is beautiful. The music swells. It's a treat to watch. The problem? The woman is running for her life. She is being chased down by men who want to rape her. If you had walked in to watch the movie at that second, you would have easily mistaken it for a romantic number from the 80s. Therein lies my problem with this bummer.

Watching this woman running in slow motion, looking so beautiful made me sick. Someone told me that the film (yet another adaptation of Romeo and Juliet...yawn), is a celebration of women. They look pretty and they are empowered because they curse and they carry weapons. And that got me thinking about how women are portrayed in this movie.

There is the female lead, Leela. When you meet her you think she is a beautiful girl who speaks her mind. She falls in lust within seconds after meeting the man (you never understand why Deepika Padukone will lust after Ranveer Singh after watching him in an extended song-dance number where I think he was probably talking about dandruff...). She decides she will marry him knowing fully well that their families are sworn enemies (she met him a day ago, maybe she does not want to risk the lives of her clan for a guy who is constantly checking for dandruff????). They exchange godawful messages on their cellphones. And he kills her brother. You know...standard young love. I think I was fine till the duo got married. The man instantly becomes an abusive tool. She makes moon eyes at him, he pushes her away. He nearly hits her. Screams at her and forces her to stay at home. Drags her (physically) across the town and she just wants to please him by dancing for him. He then goes on to abandon her the night they get married and gets drunk and passes out. When she is taken back to her home, she refuses to eat because she is "married" and she wants to be with her "husband". Her monstrous mother cuts her ring finger off and this girl never thinks of placing a simple call to any number of women's groups that would come to her rescue. Why? Because Sanjay Leela Bhansali lives in a world where there are no decent human beings. He either hates mankind or women or his audience. Padukone's Leela might wield a revolver with ease, but she seems to actually have no gumption or gravitas. She's a woman who's been defined by the man she loves although he has shown nearly no amount of compassion for her.

Then there's this girl's mother. I am fan of Supriya Pathak. Her character however is one of the most despicable characters I have ever seen on screen. She orders the rape of another woman in the enemy clan because tit for tat is perfectly allowed in the world where Sanjay Leela Bhansali lives. She never sees repercussions. No one ever says - "hey raping women is not a way to fight a war. Even battlefields come with their own set of morals and rules...and um...you are a woman yourself!" This monster then goes on to forcing her own daughter into marriage against her will. Somehow this makes this so-called mother a "strong female antagonist"? It's alright for a filmmaker to create such characters. But you need to give them some dimensions. And towards the end because this woman is shot and nearly killed, she finds redemption. She becomes the "good guy." She is GIVEN that redemption by the filmmaker. And yes sir, I think you are the real  monster in the film.

There is a scene in Shyam Benegal's Nishanth where Shabana Azmi's character is dragged from her home. It's painful. It's scary and bold. You get a real sense of how harrowing rape is. How claustrophobic and utterly invasive. The female characters in that movie are flawed, selfish, helpless and angry all at the same time. They are trapped by their circumstances and sometimes even their vanity. But the movie itself is a brilliant commentary on society. A woman who answers the door could be abducted and raped. It's just a fact and dealt just that way. I wonder how Benegal would have treated Ram Leela. Would he have acknowledged the the loved up duo were selfish and in lust and not really in love? I do know that he would not have added two extended rape scenes just to add plot twists. He was and will always will be a far superior filmmaker than Bhansali.

I saw two movies this past month where the women took the center stage. One was the Sandra Bullock starrer - Gravity and the other was Ram Leela.  Both films put their female protagonists through the ringer both physically and emotionally. Sandra Bullock is not pretending to be a space cowboy. She openly acknowledges that she's scared. But is she crafty and truly powerful! She's in a terrible situation lost in space and uses her mind and body to survive. She respects life enough to try and do everything in her power to live. Sanjay Leela Bhansali's characters seem to think a trigger is the true meaning of life. That a woman is instantly empowered when she lovingly fingers her gun. Gravity empowers the woman. Ram Leela exploits her. I shall watch Gravity again. I shall hope Ram Leela never exists. 

Dear daughter

We have not met yet and chances are we shall not be meeting for a very long time. Your mother (that would be me) has a lot of growing up to do before she gets to meet you and she plans on wasting most of that time making mistakes. Hopefully those mistakes will make me wiser for you and you can even learn from them. But until that day comes when you actually exist, I thought I could impart a few life lessons right away.

Do not take selfies in the bathroom
I have taken my fair share of selfies and honestly honey they all look terrible. You scrunch your face, turn your head, stare into the mirror while still holding that cell phone at the perfectly weird angle. And when you take a selfie in the bathroom, you need to make sure your dirty laundry is not in the picture. No one wants to see that. Also, when you pout your face, your natural smile dies away. Selfies are only alright after a new haircut and you know that the next day your hair will become the mess that it always used to be (you're my daughter, your hair will be unmanageable and thick, so deal with it). Selfies are only alright when you have no one to take your picture of you and your best friend.

Do not think Kim Kardashian is successful
I hate to even admit it but your mom (that would be me again) for a short time in her life thought that Kim Kardashian was not "entirely too bad." I regret it. Somehow I convinced myself that being rich and famous meant successful. It does not. Being rich makes you rich. Being famous means a lot of people know what your name is. Success comes from a deeper place. It's the knowledge that you have done your best in life. Success comes from fulfillment and integrity. Kim Kardashian spends her life taking selfies. She spends her life making other women feel inadequate. She is not very bright. She is the very definition of failing in life because her life is nothing more than an illusion. It's perfectly understandable to want to be beautiful and want other people to notice it too. It's perfectly understandable to care about clothes and earrings and shoes. It's also good to be self centered and selfish every once in a while. But do not be vain. Know that who you are matters more than what you look like. Being real has more value than looking plastic.

It's ok to be smart 
It's alright if you see a cute boy and think he's cute. We have all been there and done that. But it's not alright if you act dumb around a boy just to impress him! You have to have your own opinions and not just agree with everything that cute boy with the cute eyes is saying. One time a cute boy I was talking to did not know about the Beatniks. He thought they were a band. And what's worse is that I went along with him. Despite the fact that the Beatles are my favourite band and the Beatniks are some of my favourite writers and poets, I told this boy that a song called - While my guitar gently weeps - was my favourite song by the Beatniks. It was not my best moment in life. In fact I have done things like this with many people I have wanted to impress, not just boys. I think it was because I wanted to fit in better. But the truth is, the people who will really like you, will like you for the person that you are. They will like you for your opinions. And you are not being fair to someone by not being yourself. How can someone be expected to truly like you, if you never show them who you are?

Do not be afraid of people hating you
I once sat across someone who spent the entire evening making fun of gay men and I let it happen.  I didn't say anything bad myself but I never once raised my voice to tell her how very wrong I thought she was. I was afraid that that person would hate me. I was afraid that that person would make fun of me behind my back with her friends. I never thought how wrong it was of me for being a passive spectator to harmful behaviour. It's important to stand up for yourself. It is also important to stand up for others. But here is a very important piece of advice - be kind to others. I can forgive you for anything but if I ever find out that you were mean to someone out of pure spite, I shall be very disappointed in you.

Don't slam the door on your mother
This might sound a bit self serving but slamming the door on your mother solves nothing - it only breaks her heart and yours. One day you will be 14 years old and you will feel like the world does not "get you". You will think that your parents do not understand you. You will be confused by the changes happening around you, to you and to your friends and you will take that confusion out on your mother. That means there will come a day when you will look at me squarely in my eyes and tell me that you hate me. And before I could even reply, you will slam the door on my face. How do I know this for certain? Because I did it to my own mother. While that period of my teenage life was brief (and apparently it happened with nearly every girl I knew at that time), I still feel terrible about it. My mom is my best friend and the person who will be by my side no matter what. I realised this at 20. But I want you to know that if you do slam the door on my face, I will still be waiting for you on the other side. Just like my own mother did all those years ago. I will still love you, just like my own mother did. But it would be really nice if you didn't slam the door on me though.

Read a million books
When you read, you are always learning...always educating yourself. Reading keeps your mind sharp. It's like exercise for your brain. So, please read. However in the off chance you don't like books, find another passion. Anything. Twirl like nobody's business (twerking is not a passion). Dance. Run. Play sports. Write whatever comes to your mind. Take photographs. Become a football fan (Arsenal is the only club worth supporting honey). Do whatever you want but it's very important that you have legitimate hobbies and passion (writing vampire fan fiction really does not count sweetie). Hobbies lead to life experiences and you learn a lot more about yourself when you are passionate about things.

Love whomever you want
It does not matter if he is black or white or brown or anything else in between. It does not matter that he does not know the lyrics to all your favourite songs. It does not matter if he thinks books are a waste of his time. It does not matter if he thinks fart jokes are funny. If he loves you, makes you happy and he cares for you, that's all that matters. And oh, if you decide that you like girls instead of boys, that alright too. Come to me. We'll talk about it. You don't ever have to hide who you are to me. Love is love and you can't choose who you love and I will never stand in your way.

P.S I will not support any man who thinks books are a waste of his time. Sorry honey but you are not marrying him.