Thursday, March 15, 2012

A state of love: A Handbook for the diehard romantic

First act: Introduction aka why I am the way I am
I am in love. Ok, let me re-phrase that...I have always been in love. My first recollection of falling in love, was when I was about three or four years old and I saw this kid wearing a red cap, when I was on vacation and I knew that the pit in the bottom of my stomach has nothing to do with indigestion. Since then, I have never stopped being in love...(not with that kid...we literally grew apart when our parents dragged us both back home after the vacation).

Being in love all the time however can be exhausting and in my opinion should be avoided if you can help it. Take it from someone who doesn't just fall in love with idiots on the road. I fall in love with fictional characters, I fall in love with music and books and television shows and friends and burgers (ok I actually HATE burgers) and work and dogs and unicorns and butterflies...(again an exaggeration...I HATE butterflies) and pretty much anything on the face of this planet. I have read that being in love is a feeling so intense, that you feel sick pretty much all the time...your head is always a bit woozy and lightheaded and you tend to piss everyone off because you are so damn happy (woozy) all the time. Well, fellow diehard the romantic, the answer I give you will shock you to the core - it is all true.

Living in a heightened state of happiness where a cow pooping will remind you of a song, is going to piss half the world off. That's ok. You still love them for being "adorably grouchy". Go ahead, say this to the genius who is ticked off that you are happy - it pisses them off more. Perfect. However I have come to realise that the perpetual state of being in love is a scary thing in this here are a few tips I have always found handy, when I realise I have started swooning over something as redundant as, well a cow pooping on the road...(but really what is not to love about that? I have seen it only once and I thought it was the most brilliant thing ever! LOVED IT).

Second act: The actual meat of the can just skip to this part if you want to know nothing about me

See how I put that all in all-caps? Well, it's true. On my deathbed, if someone asked me, who I would love to kick the most in hell, (because let's face I really heaven material?), I will unflinchingly say - "Jane Austen". That bitch ruined my life. No one could possibly find a Mr Darcy or a Mr Knightley...but I might spend the rest of my life thinking those bloody perfect specimens of fictional literature might actually exist. Ugh. Note to future generations who are just now picking up their copies of Pride and Prejudice...just put that book back in the shelf and walk away. You are not Elizabeth Bennet and even if you are, unfortunately there is no Mr Darcy. Oh and Jane Austen? That bitch died single.

Don't make music your only priority in life
Sure being a music snob will give you street cred (with no one) but spending your life listening to music, can screw your head (and could unintentionally turn you into a diehard). Now even when you are brushing your hair, you will suddenly find yourself humming "Eye of the Tiger". You will end up thinking that your life (like in the movies) comes with its own soundtrack and that all the lyrics will come true. It's cute but deadly. It will kill you. Or you will spend hours boring everyone you know about the music you listen to and the music they should be listening to. Honey, take it from experience, stop stalking musicians on the internet and well, get a life. It's a little late for me but I wish you the best. (Cue in Greenday's Time of your life, at this point. The song really fits this moment).

You! Yes, you! Stop staring at the night sky, it's freaking people out!
Ok so you are listening to Cat Steven's, The Wind, and you just want to lie on your back under the stars and just be in the moment...well, stop that, go back home and switch on the news. Staring at the stars is how one becomes a diehard romantic. Those bloody stars, who think they are soooo pretty, will literally burn you. (No really if you ever come too close to a star, keep away, they are pretty from a distance but up close they are just hot gas...much like love). Oh and if someone catches you staring at the night sky, you are screwed cause they think you are nuts. So, be smart and come up with an awesome excuse...example - "Oh I was just waiting to spot a UFO". This example will make you sound sane and smart and scientific.

Know your limit
Falling in love with a fictional character (damn you Mr Darcy! You perfect perfect human!), may not actually be the worst thing that could happen to you. That would be falling in love with Royalty. My personal experience had me falling in love with Prince William as I watched Lady Diana's funeral on tv at age 8. I have since had mixed feelings for both the Royalty and funerals. Unless you have found a way to lock eyes with the object of your affection, best not to fantasise about the big rock that the good Prince will give you...cause one day the good Prince will give it to the bitch Kate Middleton. Sigh. Yes, it has been known to happen, so know your limit. Movie stars however are ok but make sure they are not dead or about to die. I will never be able to marry Jimmy Stewart, Shashi Kapoor, Gregory Peck or Jack Lemmon and my heart will never heal. You have been warned.

Books make you smart, stop reading them
They also fill your head with ideas and give you unrealistic expectations and really, why bother? I have always found that while reading a book, I sometimes mimic one of the characters. I am guessing this is true for other diehards out there. If so, I suggest you steer clear of books where the central character is a murderer or a hooker who makes a rich man fall in love with her. Which leads me to my last piece of advice...
This goes to all the idiots who watched Pretty Woman and wanted Richard Gere. First of all, the hooker should look like Julia Roberts in order to have someone like Richard Gere fall in love with her. Second of all, honey you should not be daydreaming about becoming a hooker! Now if you are clever, you will say - "But Aishu, didn't you watch/read Breakfast at Tiffany's? Holly Golightly was a hooker! Surely you want to be Holly Golightly". To that I say, fair point. Just one question, is there is a mirror nearby? There is? Ok good. Now stare at it for a second. Do you look like Audrey Hepburn? No? Shocking. Ok, you can stop staring now. That should be reason enough for you to stop fantasising about becoming a hooker. Just STOP IT.

Third act - the end
Ok, this was my unsolicited advice. Feel free to throw it out of the window even without reading. I won't mind as I am currently staring at a pink unicorn and already in love again...but while it is too late for me (which is why I am termed very scientifically - hopeless), you can still turn around and become a pragmatic and serious and sad and quiet person. I wish you well.

P.S If you are going to be a diehard, do NOT list Titanic or Twilight as your favourite films. I will hunt you down just to kill you. They are NOT LOVE stories and they are stupid and dumb and ugly and my hatred for them is actually yet another post in the making.