A state of love: A Handbook for the diehard romantic

First act: Introduction aka why I am the way I am
I am in love. Ok, let me re-phrase that...I have always been in love. My first recollection of falling in love, was when I was about three or four years old and I saw this kid wearing a red cap, when I was on vacation and I knew that the pit in the bottom of my stomach has nothing to do with indigestion. Since then, I have never stopped being in love...(not with that kid...we literally grew apart when our parents dragged us both back home after the vacation).

Being in love all the time however can be exhausting and in my opinion should be avoided if you can help it. Take it from someone who doesn't just fall in love with idiots on the road. I fall in love with fictional characters, I fall in love with music and books and television shows and friends and burgers (ok I actually HATE burgers) and work and dogs and unicorns and butterflies...(again an exaggeration...I HATE butterflies) and pretty much anything on the face of this planet. I have read that being in love is a feeling so intense, that you feel sick pretty much all the time...your head is always a bit woozy and lightheaded and you tend to piss everyone off because you are so damn happy (woozy) all the time. Well, fellow diehard the romantic, the answer I give you will shock you to the core - it is all true.

Living in a heightened state of happiness where a cow pooping will remind you of a song, is going to piss half the world off. That's ok. You still love them for being "adorably grouchy". Go ahead, say this to the genius who is ticked off that you are happy - it pisses them off more. Perfect. However I have come to realise that the perpetual state of being in love is a scary thing in this world...so here are a few tips I have always found handy, when I realise I have started swooning over something as redundant as, well a cow pooping on the road...(but really what is not to love about that? I have seen it only once and I thought it was the most brilliant thing ever! LOVED IT).

Second act: The actual meat of the story...you can just skip to this part if you want to know nothing about me

DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH A FICTIONAL CHARACTER
See how I put that all in all-caps? Well, it's true. On my deathbed, if someone asked me, who I would love to kick the most in hell, (because let's face it...am I really heaven material?), I will unflinchingly say - "Jane Austen". That bitch ruined my life. No one could possibly find a Mr Darcy or a Mr Knightley...but I might spend the rest of my life thinking those bloody perfect specimens of fictional literature might actually exist. Ugh. Note to future generations who are just now picking up their copies of Pride and Prejudice...just put that book back in the shelf and walk away. You are not Elizabeth Bennet and even if you are, unfortunately there is no Mr Darcy. Oh and Jane Austen? That bitch died single.

Don't make music your only priority in life
Sure being a music snob will give you street cred (with no one) but spending your life listening to music, can screw your head (and could unintentionally turn you into a diehard). Now even when you are brushing your hair, you will suddenly find yourself humming "Eye of the Tiger". You will end up thinking that your life (like in the movies) comes with its own soundtrack and that all the lyrics will come true. It's cute but deadly. It will kill you. Or you will spend hours boring everyone you know about the music you listen to and the music they should be listening to. Honey, take it from experience, stop stalking musicians on the internet and well, get a life. It's a little late for me but I wish you the best. (Cue in Greenday's Time of your life, at this point. The song really fits this moment).

You! Yes, you! Stop staring at the night sky, it's freaking people out!
Ok so you are listening to Cat Steven's, The Wind, and you just want to lie on your back under the stars and just be in the moment...well, stop that, go back home and switch on the news. Staring at the stars is how one becomes a diehard romantic. Those bloody stars, who think they are soooo pretty, will literally burn you. (No really if you ever come too close to a star, keep away, they are pretty from a distance but up close they are just hot gas...much like love). Oh and if someone catches you staring at the night sky, you are screwed cause they think you are nuts. So, be smart and come up with an awesome excuse...example - "Oh I was just waiting to spot a UFO". This example will make you sound sane and smart and scientific.

Know your limit
Falling in love with a fictional character (damn you Mr Darcy! You perfect perfect human!), may not actually be the worst thing that could happen to you. That would be falling in love with Royalty. My personal experience had me falling in love with Prince William as I watched Lady Diana's funeral on tv at age 8. I have since had mixed feelings for both the Royalty and funerals. Unless you have found a way to lock eyes with the object of your affection, best not to fantasise about the big rock that the good Prince will give you...cause one day the good Prince will give it to the bitch Kate Middleton. Sigh. Yes, it has been known to happen, so know your limit. Movie stars however are ok but make sure they are not dead or about to die. I will never be able to marry Jimmy Stewart, Shashi Kapoor, Gregory Peck or Jack Lemmon and my heart will never heal. You have been warned.

Books make you smart, stop reading them
They also fill your head with ideas and give you unrealistic expectations and really, why bother? I have always found that while reading a book, I sometimes mimic one of the characters. I am guessing this is true for other diehards out there. If so, I suggest you steer clear of books where the central character is a murderer or a hooker who makes a rich man fall in love with her. Which leads me to my last piece of advice...
DO NOT DAYDREAM ABOUT BECOMING A HOOKER
This goes to all the idiots who watched Pretty Woman and wanted Richard Gere. First of all, the hooker should look like Julia Roberts in order to have someone like Richard Gere fall in love with her. Second of all, honey you should not be daydreaming about becoming a hooker! Now if you are clever, you will say - "But Aishu, didn't you watch/read Breakfast at Tiffany's? Holly Golightly was a hooker! Surely you want to be Holly Golightly". To that I say, fair point. Just one question, is there is a mirror nearby? There is? Ok good. Now stare at it for a second. Do you look like Audrey Hepburn? No? Shocking. Ok, you can stop staring now. That should be reason enough for you to stop fantasising about becoming a hooker. Just STOP IT.

Third act - the end
Ok, this was my unsolicited advice. Feel free to throw it out of the window even without reading. I won't mind as I am currently staring at a pink unicorn and already in love again...but while it is too late for me (which is why I am termed very scientifically - hopeless), you can still turn around and become a pragmatic and serious and sad and quiet person. I wish you well.

Epilogue
P.S If you are going to be a diehard, do NOT list Titanic or Twilight as your favourite films. I will hunt you down just to kill you. They are NOT LOVE stories and they are stupid and dumb and ugly and my hatred for them is actually yet another post in the making.

A note to all the bullies out there

Dear cool kids,

The ones everyone wants to be friends with. The ones who can afford to be mean to others. The ones sitting in class holding court and passing judgement on everyone else. You know who you are... you are the perfect specimens. The ones blessed with the right clothes, the right "attitude" and the right kind of taste in music. The right...well...everything. The generic wonderkids who remain exactly the same through school, college and beyond. Well, here's the understatement of the century - I was never one of you.

And like me, are tons of others, who are different, who don't colour within the lines and who can't be further from
normal even on times they tried. It's ok. I survived all of you. I wanted to let the universe know that exactly a week before my 24th birthday, when I assume I will end up wiser and more mad than ever.

I survived the jabs, the raised eyebrows and your mocking. I survived your irrational hatred, your uncondinitional need to conform and your belief that there is only one way of living life. I am writing this note because I recently saw a trailer for this documentary called, Bully and in the span of two minutes I saw the lives of young kids with no friends in school feeling like there was no hope. I can't pretend I know what that feels like but I do know what it feels like to be bullied (I was bullied in High School in a little school called Balalok). I entered a new school with no friends and no one to offer me a smile and for two years, it was truly hell. I have since forged tentative friendships with some of my former classmates but the school itself brings back memories of being and feeling utterly helpless and alone.

It didn't help that I ended up doing my Masters in the ultimate school of cool aka SIMC. Fortunately friends were at hand and I had grown enough to wear my idiosyncrasies like a badge of honour. And as I continue to step into adulthood, I grapple on why people act so mean to one another. Sure, some kids dress differently, so what? Some kids like to read...so what? Some kids don't know anything about pop culture...so what?

Unfortunately the cool kids always seem to be untouched by the pain they cause. Perhaps it's because they were never at the other end of the jab. Even a casual comment can cause someone to toss and turn for days. So what if someone has gained weight? Why point it out like it's a joke? So what if someone does not have the right haircut? How is that a crime? So what if someone raises their hand in class to answer a question? They are probably excited to be learning something new... Why mock? Why spread the hate? Why hurt?

This seems to be a vicious circle that never ends... and that's not ok. So, here is a sincere plea... if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. Not everyone has to get along but why segregate and hurt? You may never know... the unique ones are the ones who will end up ruling the world. That kid you mocked in school? He might just become your boss one day. Because kids who survive bullies, can pretty much survive anything. They create an armour early in life.... but here's the connundrum... they can break too...why break them? Life is too short for this bullshit man...

http://veryaware.com/2012/02/trailer-the-mpaa-has-stupidly-slapped-bully-with-an-%E2%80%98r%E2%80%99-rating/
(A link to the trailer of Bully)

The truthiness - Why I hate chick lits

Here are a few reasons why chick lits have no place in the book shelf of any self respecting girl -

• The girl always describes herself as someone who isn’t very good looking but then goes on to describe her attributes that suddenly paint a picture of a stunning woman. They usually go “I hate the way I look… my nose is too sharp for my face”. But the girl would casually mention “I have green eyes, I really tall and I am really skinny”. Um… hello? You have just described a freaking model!
• Has anyone noticed that in almost all chick lits the Mr Right is basically a template of Mr Darcy from the Pride and Prejudice? In fact Helen Fielding (who wrote the Bridget Jones Diaries) names her hero Mr Darcy. The guy is always very successful, rich, wears power suits and always has a cynical smile on his face. Yes it is a homage to great character who was created by the Jane Austen but aren’t there different kinds of men in the world. What if my Mr Right is a complete bum who never wants to work???
• Another thing about Mr Right – even though he is sooo perfect, the girl always mistakes him for a proud and arrogant man. Again we walk right back into the Mr Darcy situation in which Eizabeth Bennett thinks of him as the most abominable man in the whole world until she realizes that she is simply prejudiced. Here is the thing, this equation was extremely original in the Pride and Prejudice but right now after a few hundred books… this formula is becoming a bit lame.
• Oh and there is always a Mr Wrong who has to be killed off (you know taken off the pages of the book not literally killed off) in order to make our Mr Right more well… right. But why does every such book have to have that guy in beginning who doesn’t treat the girl well and even the though the girl eventually develops feeling for Mr Right, it is Mr Wrong who is painted in the wrong. Not to mention the fact he ends up almost always cheating on his girlfriend. It is so incredibly clichéd and passé and honestly sometimes the Mr Wrong guy sounds more interesting that Mr Right. At least he is flawed… doesn’t that make him more human?
• Our heroine (and usually in these books the girl is also the narrator), towards the end of the book ends up in this big pile of crisis… and to save the day in would walk in our Mr Right looking like the modern day Knight in Shining Armor. How can there be no amore after that? Except why does a grown woman even need saving from a man? Is she not capable of handing situations?
• Or there is a worse kind of ending where the guy and girl break up in between because the guy acts like a jerk. But in the end after realizing the error is his ways, he comes back to his true love. Um… I would never take such a guy back but the girls in the books always take them back. Every single time and the event is usually sealed by…
• The engagement! This is how almost every adult chick lit book ends. Either the couple gets married, engaged with a big diamond ring or the girl finds out she is having a baby. And then the book ends. Because let’s face it, if a girl wrangles a big diamond ring, she is set for life. In other words her life is over.

Whilst I truly really hate chick lits (I really really do), I must confess I must have read over fifty of them in the last five years. Here is why I think chick lits are ok –

• The guy is really gook looking. I mean who wouldn’t want to fantasize about a man with lots of money and a six pack
• The girl is usually such an idiot that while reading the book you think if this clueless person lands such an awesome guy… hey maybe even I would someday.
• Such books always leave you feeling all tingly and happy inside… until you realize that it all lies and such things basically never happen in real life.
• Who in their right mind would ever say no to a big diamond ring????
• And finally did I mention the fact that the guy is a fantastically good looking and sports a six pack???

I know I am a hypocrite… help me :)