The quarter life crisis

It happens to me every December. I run around rest of the year happy as a pickle and suddenly I will wake up on fine morning around December and ask myself the dreaded question - what am I doing with my life? Am I growing up? Have I changed for the better? What does life have in store for me?

Those are always scary questions but I guess this year is a bit different because I am 25. As a kid I had always figured that by 25, I would know what I wanted in life. In many ways I sit envious of people with bad lives and bad jobs. Because their lives are so bad that they know what they need to make it great someday. They have something to look forward to. But what about those with rather solid lives? What if your job does not suck? What happens when your life today is the life it has always been? A pleasant journey?

My day of questioning was today - November 28th 2013. It was just another day. I woke up early. I went to my job. I came back home. But then a nagging question kept niggling at me - "At 25 do you feel any different from when you were 15?" The truth is I really do not know. I hope I am a nicer person. I definitely do not fight as much (or at all). And I lead a very happy life. But today I have no idea where I am going next. At 15, my benchmark was simple - get through school and life will be wonderful. But now, a decade later with the rest of my life spanning endlessly in front of me, I can't help but wonder if there should be more to life than good times and good friends (although I might be the only 25 year old who complains about good times and good friends).

Am I helping people? Should I be doing more to be kind? Should I be on a crusade to save the planet? Why are kids still starving in the nation today? Should I really be spending endless hours reading useless lists on Buzzfeed? What right do I have in having a pleasant life when so many others suffer?  Will I ever feel grownup enough to not balk at responsibility? Will I ever stop being impulsive and think through my decisions in life? Will I still ask these questions when I turn 30? How about 40? Will I know the purpose of my life at 70 at least?

I don't have any of the answers yet and another year closes down on me. It's highly possible that I shall spend this time next year asking the same questions of myself and still not having the answers. Maybe the purpose of life is not about finding the right answers but about struggling through the right questions. And hopefully I shall continue asking these questions of myself throughout my life. In the meantime, I guess the goal is to live an honourable life...one filled with good times, good friends but also purpose. Here's to 2014 and the other side of 20s. 

Why I think Ram Leela is a dangerous film

There is an extended scene in the bloated Sanjay Leela Bhansali film, Ram-Leela, which features a woman running. She's wearing a gorgeous lehenga that fills the frames as it sways. Her dupatta is flying behind her. The picturisation is beautiful. The music swells. It's a treat to watch. The problem? The woman is running for her life. She is being chased down by men who want to rape her. If you had walked in to watch the movie at that second, you would have easily mistaken it for a romantic number from the 80s. Therein lies my problem with this bummer.

Watching this woman running in slow motion, looking so beautiful made me sick. Someone told me that the film (yet another adaptation of Romeo and Juliet...yawn), is a celebration of women. They look pretty and they are empowered because they curse and they carry weapons. And that got me thinking about how women are portrayed in this movie.

There is the female lead, Leela. When you meet her you think she is a beautiful girl who speaks her mind. She falls in lust within seconds after meeting the man (you never understand why Deepika Padukone will lust after Ranveer Singh after watching him in an extended song-dance number where I think he was probably talking about dandruff...). She decides she will marry him knowing fully well that their families are sworn enemies (she met him a day ago, maybe she does not want to risk the lives of her clan for a guy who is constantly checking for dandruff????). They exchange godawful messages on their cellphones. And he kills her brother. You know...standard young love. I think I was fine till the duo got married. The man instantly becomes an abusive tool. She makes moon eyes at him, he pushes her away. He nearly hits her. Screams at her and forces her to stay at home. Drags her (physically) across the town and she just wants to please him by dancing for him. He then goes on to abandon her the night they get married and gets drunk and passes out. When she is taken back to her home, she refuses to eat because she is "married" and she wants to be with her "husband". Her monstrous mother cuts her ring finger off and this girl never thinks of placing a simple call to any number of women's groups that would come to her rescue. Why? Because Sanjay Leela Bhansali lives in a world where there are no decent human beings. He either hates mankind or women or his audience. Padukone's Leela might wield a revolver with ease, but she seems to actually have no gumption or gravitas. She's a woman who's been defined by the man she loves although he has shown nearly no amount of compassion for her.

Then there's this girl's mother. I am fan of Supriya Pathak. Her character however is one of the most despicable characters I have ever seen on screen. She orders the rape of another woman in the enemy clan because tit for tat is perfectly allowed in the world where Sanjay Leela Bhansali lives. She never sees repercussions. No one ever says - "hey raping women is not a way to fight a war. Even battlefields come with their own set of morals and rules...and um...you are a woman yourself!" This monster then goes on to forcing her own daughter into marriage against her will. Somehow this makes this so-called mother a "strong female antagonist"? It's alright for a filmmaker to create such characters. But you need to give them some dimensions. And towards the end because this woman is shot and nearly killed, she finds redemption. She becomes the "good guy." She is GIVEN that redemption by the filmmaker. And yes sir, I think you are the real  monster in the film.

There is a scene in Shyam Benegal's Nishanth where Shabana Azmi's character is dragged from her home. It's painful. It's scary and bold. You get a real sense of how harrowing rape is. How claustrophobic and utterly invasive. The female characters in that movie are flawed, selfish, helpless and angry all at the same time. They are trapped by their circumstances and sometimes even their vanity. But the movie itself is a brilliant commentary on society. A woman who answers the door could be abducted and raped. It's just a fact and dealt just that way. I wonder how Benegal would have treated Ram Leela. Would he have acknowledged the the loved up duo were selfish and in lust and not really in love? I do know that he would not have added two extended rape scenes just to add plot twists. He was and will always will be a far superior filmmaker than Bhansali.

I saw two movies this past month where the women took the center stage. One was the Sandra Bullock starrer - Gravity and the other was Ram Leela.  Both films put their female protagonists through the ringer both physically and emotionally. Sandra Bullock is not pretending to be a space cowboy. She openly acknowledges that she's scared. But is she crafty and truly powerful! She's in a terrible situation lost in space and uses her mind and body to survive. She respects life enough to try and do everything in her power to live. Sanjay Leela Bhansali's characters seem to think a trigger is the true meaning of life. That a woman is instantly empowered when she lovingly fingers her gun. Gravity empowers the woman. Ram Leela exploits her. I shall watch Gravity again. I shall hope Ram Leela never exists. 

Dear daughter

We have not met yet and chances are we shall not be meeting for a very long time. Your mother (that would be me) has a lot of growing up to do before she gets to meet you and she plans on wasting most of that time making mistakes. Hopefully those mistakes will make me wiser for you and you can even learn from them. But until that day comes when you actually exist, I thought I could impart a few life lessons right away.

Do not take selfies in the bathroom
I have taken my fair share of selfies and honestly honey they all look terrible. You scrunch your face, turn your head, stare into the mirror while still holding that cell phone at the perfectly weird angle. And when you take a selfie in the bathroom, you need to make sure your dirty laundry is not in the picture. No one wants to see that. Also, when you pout your face, your natural smile dies away. Selfies are only alright after a new haircut and you know that the next day your hair will become the mess that it always used to be (you're my daughter, your hair will be unmanageable and thick, so deal with it). Selfies are only alright when you have no one to take your picture of you and your best friend.

Do not think Kim Kardashian is successful
I hate to even admit it but your mom (that would be me again) for a short time in her life thought that Kim Kardashian was not "entirely too bad." I regret it. Somehow I convinced myself that being rich and famous meant successful. It does not. Being rich makes you rich. Being famous means a lot of people know what your name is. Success comes from a deeper place. It's the knowledge that you have done your best in life. Success comes from fulfillment and integrity. Kim Kardashian spends her life taking selfies. She spends her life making other women feel inadequate. She is not very bright. She is the very definition of failing in life because her life is nothing more than an illusion. It's perfectly understandable to want to be beautiful and want other people to notice it too. It's perfectly understandable to care about clothes and earrings and shoes. It's also good to be self centered and selfish every once in a while. But do not be vain. Know that who you are matters more than what you look like. Being real has more value than looking plastic.

It's ok to be smart 
It's alright if you see a cute boy and think he's cute. We have all been there and done that. But it's not alright if you act dumb around a boy just to impress him! You have to have your own opinions and not just agree with everything that cute boy with the cute eyes is saying. One time a cute boy I was talking to did not know about the Beatniks. He thought they were a band. And what's worse is that I went along with him. Despite the fact that the Beatles are my favourite band and the Beatniks are some of my favourite writers and poets, I told this boy that a song called - While my guitar gently weeps - was my favourite song by the Beatniks. It was not my best moment in life. In fact I have done things like this with many people I have wanted to impress, not just boys. I think it was because I wanted to fit in better. But the truth is, the people who will really like you, will like you for the person that you are. They will like you for your opinions. And you are not being fair to someone by not being yourself. How can someone be expected to truly like you, if you never show them who you are?

Do not be afraid of people hating you
I once sat across someone who spent the entire evening making fun of gay men and I let it happen.  I didn't say anything bad myself but I never once raised my voice to tell her how very wrong I thought she was. I was afraid that that person would hate me. I was afraid that that person would make fun of me behind my back with her friends. I never thought how wrong it was of me for being a passive spectator to harmful behaviour. It's important to stand up for yourself. It is also important to stand up for others. But here is a very important piece of advice - be kind to others. I can forgive you for anything but if I ever find out that you were mean to someone out of pure spite, I shall be very disappointed in you.

Don't slam the door on your mother
This might sound a bit self serving but slamming the door on your mother solves nothing - it only breaks her heart and yours. One day you will be 14 years old and you will feel like the world does not "get you". You will think that your parents do not understand you. You will be confused by the changes happening around you, to you and to your friends and you will take that confusion out on your mother. That means there will come a day when you will look at me squarely in my eyes and tell me that you hate me. And before I could even reply, you will slam the door on my face. How do I know this for certain? Because I did it to my own mother. While that period of my teenage life was brief (and apparently it happened with nearly every girl I knew at that time), I still feel terrible about it. My mom is my best friend and the person who will be by my side no matter what. I realised this at 20. But I want you to know that if you do slam the door on my face, I will still be waiting for you on the other side. Just like my own mother did all those years ago. I will still love you, just like my own mother did. But it would be really nice if you didn't slam the door on me though.

Read a million books
When you read, you are always learning...always educating yourself. Reading keeps your mind sharp. It's like exercise for your brain. So, please read. However in the off chance you don't like books, find another passion. Anything. Twirl like nobody's business (twerking is not a passion). Dance. Run. Play sports. Write whatever comes to your mind. Take photographs. Become a football fan (Arsenal is the only club worth supporting honey). Do whatever you want but it's very important that you have legitimate hobbies and passion (writing vampire fan fiction really does not count sweetie). Hobbies lead to life experiences and you learn a lot more about yourself when you are passionate about things.

Love whomever you want
It does not matter if he is black or white or brown or anything else in between. It does not matter that he does not know the lyrics to all your favourite songs. It does not matter if he thinks books are a waste of his time. It does not matter if he thinks fart jokes are funny. If he loves you, makes you happy and he cares for you, that's all that matters. And oh, if you decide that you like girls instead of boys, that alright too. Come to me. We'll talk about it. You don't ever have to hide who you are to me. Love is love and you can't choose who you love and I will never stand in your way.

P.S I will not support any man who thinks books are a waste of his time. Sorry honey but you are not marrying him.

Running for a dream

I have a niece, Thea who is barely 3. It's a joy watching her. She smiles at birds, she laughs at nonsense and when she looks at the world, it's with eyes filled with wonder. Why am I talking about my niece? Because I think she deserves to grow up with that wonder intact. I believe that all kids in the world deserve to live in that wonderland filled with dreams. Except millions of children in our country grow up in abject poverty and without access to basic education. They don't dare look on with wonder because their reality is sad rotten pavements. No magic.

Which is why I am running for Dream a Dream foundation. I am fundraising for this organisation that equips young children and young adults with life skills necessary in life. Through camps and extra curricular activities amongst others, the organisation gives children not only wonderful life experiences but restores their ability to believe in magic. Because everyone deserves to get dirty playing football and worrying about absolutely nothing.

You can know more about Dream's programmes here - Dream a Dream.

A while ago a friend of mine took to Facebook to decry the world which he deemed apathetic. Every day it seems we wake up to bad news. Cancer, murder, rape and god knows what else populate our newspapers. Politicians go out of their way to prove to us that they really do not care about our well being. So where does that leave us? We need to fend for ourselves. The best way to make the world a better place is to make a wonderful place for our children. We can't complain about the world and its problems. We need to step up our game and make sure we are part of the solution.

What I am doing is probably not going to help the world in the grand scheme of things. It may not even really help India. But I am hoping it helps at least one child. And that would change my own world. I can go to my niece with my head held high and tell her that maybe...just maybe the world is as magical and wonderful place as she thinks it is.

Which is where you guys come in. I can't do this alone. I need help. I need support. And I need the money. My goal is to raise at least Rs 30,000 although I am hoping to bring it to Rs 50,000. I have donated Rs 10,000 from my own pockets but it's not nearly enough. I need your empathy. I need you to share this blog with as many people as you can. I need you to donate.

In return I offer my thanks. I shall be offering some incentives (like my goofy services) in the coming months and sharing my own journey with these kids. Just follow the link to this page My dream. Click on that donate button. Donate how much ever you can. There are kids who need this money desperately and you will make my own dreams come true. And I promise you if you do this, the force will be always with you.

(I am posting the link once again because I am paranoid like that - CLICK THIS LINK

You call me what?

I want to talk about something that happened a couple of years ago. I was unhappy at my then job and was eating away my feelings. Long story short - I had put on weight. It really does not matter, right? I knew that in theory except when I had gone out with friends one day for a movie, one of my friends (a guy) turned to me and told me in the most judgmental tone - "the way you look, you can't expect to even think you will end up with some good looking guy." Now I have spent years talking about how looks do not matter but that one comment by someone who was considered to be my friend? It was only a throwaway incident but it stung. Badly. When I think back to that day, I still cringe.

When I look back I realise that despite the fact I thought of myself as someone who had great self esteem, I never stood a chance against that insult. You see all my life I had been led to believe that I was not enough. Even though I was raised by parents who at every step of the told me that I was perfect, I just had to look around at the world to realise how that wasn't the case. The Fair and Lovely products told me I had to use whitening products. That magazine cover told me that I had to lose my Freshman 15 in 15 days...or else. That makeup ad told me my skin was not great. And those movies that told me that the plain tomboyish Jane had to undergo a makeover before she got the guy. The images thrown at me made me feel insecure despite myself. And when you couple that with the fact I was still oh so young, I was easily bullied into believing that no guy will ever look at me because of the way I look.

Now why am I talking about something very very personal to me? Because of this picture.

When I first saw it, I saw a striking looking fit woman who was coming out of the water. However the caption that went along with the picture said one line - the cow went to the water. Ouch. Now I know people will tell me this woman is an actress and that when she chose to come into the limelight, she knew that it came along with online bullies. But I keep thinking about the young girls who see this picture. The next time they have to go swimming, this picture would vividly come to their minds. Of course now thanks to the internet, there are several ways to make a person feel bullied. And it's worse for girls. They have to constantly live up to unrealistic expectations when the men pretty much get away with murder.

WHY? I know that it's important to be fit. It's important to eat healthy food and exercise because that makes you healthy. It is not however okay to call a woman a cow! It's not okay to make a living out of putting others down. I realise that I am being far too sensitive about a stupid meme but I just have to go on Twitter or Tumblr to watch young teenage girls who live in a constant state of self loathing. And what's worse is that they are only byproducts of what society made them. What the media made them. I know we don't live in a perfect world but one day I hope we live in a world where people don't get satisfaction from putting someone else down.

Dear Miley's Tongue...I feel for you

I do not know Miley Cyrus personally. She's not my friend. She's not my daughter. And she's not even the kind of musician I listen to. But unless you have been living under the rock the last couple of months, chances are you have been exposed to her tongue. She whips it out for her concerts, for her videos, her photo-shoots and am pretty sure she pulls it out when nature calls (gross but I'm convinced this happens). And now I have come to worry about this young woman's tongue and its well being more than the welfare of people I personally know.

I don't know about the rest of the world but I generally keep my tongue firmly within the confines of my mouth. It's there for a reason, I don't like displacing it. But Miley's tongue? Even if it's not particularly shy, am sure it also feels the need to rest for a bit once in a while. It must be tired from all those exercises the girl puts it through. And what about tongue hygiene? By now the tongue has been exposed to every different kind of weather and places. Not to mention it has probably been accumulating so much dust from going out so much. Does Miley make sure the tongue is well hydrated and has enough nutrition to survive what she puts it through? Has she thought about getting a tongue cleaner and a lotion to make sure her tongue does not get sun tan? What if it gets sunburnt? Has this child even thought about the trauma her tongue experienced when she wagged it in front of the whole world at the Video Music Awards? What if her tongue has PTSD from that torture?

Here's the most important question I often ponder over - does her tongue even want to be famous or has Miley coerced it to do her bidding? I feel terrible for kids whose parents force them to perform in front of complete strangers because they think "he's so talented when it comes to reciting every single nursery rhyme in existence". And I feel the same dread watching Miley's tongue. The tongue probably just wants to go away on an exile from humanity and never return but she's got it held hostage. So, I dedicate this blog to Ms Cyrus' tongue and I hope it knows where ever it is, I am praying for its safety.

And finally here's a message for Ms Cyrus herself - honey, I don't care how many different ways you twerk or how many cannon balls you swing on naked, but take care of your tongue. It's done nothing wrong in life. Stop punishing it young lady. And yes, will it kill you to put some clothes back on? 

I think this girl needs our help

It's a weird world we live in. I have not really visited any other planet apart from Earth but on any given day I think it's the most beautiful planet to call home. And I have great hope for humanity as well. I know I have not been around for too long...but I think being part of the human race is just spiffy. You can dance (I dance badly), you can sing (I cannot sign) and you can draw beautiful pictures (I have trouble drawing a straight line). Anyway, even though I am not quite as evolved as I would like to be, I would still say I am quite proud to be part of the human race. Which brings me to this morning when a member of the male species threw an object aimed at my face.

An auto driver in Bangalore got so angry with me that he grabbed my phone from my hand and threw it at my face. An auto driver. Male. Part of the human species. I hailed an auto to get to work in the morning and his meter was absolutely off its rocker. It was at least 30 to 40 rupees more than it should be. I was quiet. I had already told him that the meter fare to my work place costs Rs 133 because I wanted to avoid fighting with anyone early in the morning. Of course it also does not help that I actually do not like fighting and I am not good at it. We got to my office in Indiranagar and the meter read Rs 176. Absolutely insane. I have never seen a faster meter my entire life. Still, seeing as I was in a good mood (am off with friends for a mini vacay during the weekend), I decided to just tell him that his meter was too much and that he should get it checked. All hell broke loose.

The man starts yelling at me about how his meter is just fine and how I should pay him whatever it read. Then he yelled at me about the terrible traffic which confused me because it's not like I am the cause of the traffic in Bangalore. I was rummaging through my bag for money, he screams some more and that's when I told him that I would only pay him what I usually pay and he should stop yelling at me. Suffice to say he got angrier. So much so that a woman who was standing nearby came quietly from behind and stood along with me. He started throwing insults at me and I was losing my patience but I was still too scared to yell back or do anything else. That's when I figured I would pick up my phone and take a photograph of his licence plate. In the past, this trick has scared a ton of auto guys, who then proceed to go away. This man on the other hand got so incredibly angry at the sight of my phone, that he grabbed my hand, yanked my phone off of me and hurled my phone to my face. Now my hand eye coordination is terrible but looks like I can duck quite well, so I ducked away from the phone. Except now my brand new phone has flown across the road, hit a nearby gate and plonked itself inside a ditch. That's when the quiet woman standing beside me looks around the street, which also has two men on bikes standing nearby talking to each, and loudly proclaims - this girl needs our help. You want to know what those two men did? Nothing. They just continued talking to each other like they heard nothing.

The slap
When I used to be in school I used to get into a fair bit of trouble over fighting but since then I have become what some people would call a chicken. I don't fight. I don't like it. I think it's messy and I always end up backing down. I always end up apologising even if it's not my fault. Which is why I still can't believe what I did next. When I saw my phone flying towards me and then towards the ditch, something snapped. How does someone get to do that to anyone??? I got into his auto (the backseat) and I slapped him across his face. I had silenced both of us by my action. He could not believe that this tiny girl in front of him (he was HUGE) had actually slapped him and I could not believe that my hands had flown across the air and made contact with his cheeks.

The police call
Once this guy had mishandled me I knew I had no other choice but to call the cops (even though I did not want to). So, I did. Told the operator where I was. By then the auto guy was shocked at the state of events. I don't think he ever thought me capable to calling the cops, but then I don't think he thought me capable to striking him either. The people from my office came down and surrounded the auto. We were a quiet bunch. He apologised. He said he was sorry. He asked me to call off the cops. He begged me and called me baby at least a million times. I didn't yell at him. I politely told him that he could apologise to the cops. At first he looked like he would hit me but I looked at him back squarely in the eyes and told him no man has the right to strike a woman. In fact no human has a right to go in for an unprovoked attack. What he did was wrong. The cops came ten minutes later. He tried to spin the story about how I had attacked him. Thankfully, the quiet woman (Debra) came forward and explained everything. She had even fished my phone out. It was damaged but like me it was still chugging along. The cops immediately sprung into action. I went back into my office. I may have had an eventful and exhausting morning but a girl's still got to work. The control room called me 15 minutes later to make sure I was fine.

Stop blaming the woman
There was a woman who at every point tried to stop me from calling the cops and asked me to let him go. Why? Because he is poor, she said. The man who was talking into a cellphone all morning is obviously so poor that he has every right to strike at a girl. You are told right from the beginning not to make an issue. Do not call the cops. Let him go, he's made a mistake. At what point do we get to defend ourselves and not be blamed for it? I took a photograph of his nameplate and I posted it on my Facebook wall because if you can avoid this particular specimen, you should. I am scared. I am petrified and for at least the next couple of weeks, I will be looking over my shoulder but I will also know I did the right thing. The next time he gets angry and wants to lash out, this man will think twice. He will not do this to another girl...or child or man or woman. I think the ordeal of the morning was worth it for only that reason.

Back to the universe
This brings me back to humanity and earth. Sure the two guys in their bikes looked like they couldn't be bothered and yes it's never fun when someone forcefully throws a phone at you but the woman never left my side. The lesson I learnt today is humanity is darn amazing and that you find kindness in the most unlikely places. The good humans make life pretty swell. So, I am not going to focus on the auto driver. I am not going to focus on the guys who did not come to my rescue or the woman who tried to dissuade me and sided instead with the man who threw something at me. My focus is on that one woman. My hero. The woman who stared at the street and proclaimed - 'I think this girl needs our help'. When no one showed up, she stayed anyway. She was the epitome of humanity. Who never left my side. I think she alone makes this planet at least one of the top 3 planets to call home and the human species one of the better species to be associated with.

P.S My phone wants you guys to know that it's doing okay now too. It stopped working for a while but has since decided that it will also not be bullied by auto drivers, gates or ditches. I think my phone was quite brave.