Dear Miley's Tongue...I feel for you

I do not know Miley Cyrus personally. She's not my friend. She's not my daughter. And she's not even the kind of musician I listen to. But unless you have been living under the rock the last couple of months, chances are you have been exposed to her tongue. She whips it out for her concerts, for her videos, her photo-shoots and am pretty sure she pulls it out when nature calls (gross but I'm convinced this happens). And now I have come to worry about this young woman's tongue and its well being more than the welfare of people I personally know.

I don't know about the rest of the world but I generally keep my tongue firmly within the confines of my mouth. It's there for a reason, I don't like displacing it. But Miley's tongue? Even if it's not particularly shy, am sure it also feels the need to rest for a bit once in a while. It must be tired from all those exercises the girl puts it through. And what about tongue hygiene? By now the tongue has been exposed to every different kind of weather and places. Not to mention it has probably been accumulating so much dust from going out so much. Does Miley make sure the tongue is well hydrated and has enough nutrition to survive what she puts it through? Has she thought about getting a tongue cleaner and a lotion to make sure her tongue does not get sun tan? What if it gets sunburnt? Has this child even thought about the trauma her tongue experienced when she wagged it in front of the whole world at the Video Music Awards? What if her tongue has PTSD from that torture?

Here's the most important question I often ponder over - does her tongue even want to be famous or has Miley coerced it to do her bidding? I feel terrible for kids whose parents force them to perform in front of complete strangers because they think "he's so talented when it comes to reciting every single nursery rhyme in existence". And I feel the same dread watching Miley's tongue. The tongue probably just wants to go away on an exile from humanity and never return but she's got it held hostage. So, I dedicate this blog to Ms Cyrus' tongue and I hope it knows where ever it is, I am praying for its safety.

And finally here's a message for Ms Cyrus herself - honey, I don't care how many different ways you twerk or how many cannon balls you swing on naked, but take care of your tongue. It's done nothing wrong in life. Stop punishing it young lady. And yes, will it kill you to put some clothes back on? 

I think this girl needs our help

It's a weird world we live in. I have not really visited any other planet apart from Earth but on any given day I think it's the most beautiful planet to call home. And I have great hope for humanity as well. I know I have not been around for too long...but I think being part of the human race is just spiffy. You can dance (I dance badly), you can sing (I cannot sign) and you can draw beautiful pictures (I have trouble drawing a straight line). Anyway, even though I am not quite as evolved as I would like to be, I would still say I am quite proud to be part of the human race. Which brings me to this morning when a member of the male species threw an object aimed at my face.

An auto driver in Bangalore got so angry with me that he grabbed my phone from my hand and threw it at my face. An auto driver. Male. Part of the human species. I hailed an auto to get to work in the morning and his meter was absolutely off its rocker. It was at least 30 to 40 rupees more than it should be. I was quiet. I had already told him that the meter fare to my work place costs Rs 133 because I wanted to avoid fighting with anyone early in the morning. Of course it also does not help that I actually do not like fighting and I am not good at it. We got to my office in Indiranagar and the meter read Rs 176. Absolutely insane. I have never seen a faster meter my entire life. Still, seeing as I was in a good mood (am off with friends for a mini vacay during the weekend), I decided to just tell him that his meter was too much and that he should get it checked. All hell broke loose.

The man starts yelling at me about how his meter is just fine and how I should pay him whatever it read. Then he yelled at me about the terrible traffic which confused me because it's not like I am the cause of the traffic in Bangalore. I was rummaging through my bag for money, he screams some more and that's when I told him that I would only pay him what I usually pay and he should stop yelling at me. Suffice to say he got angrier. So much so that a woman who was standing nearby came quietly from behind and stood along with me. He started throwing insults at me and I was losing my patience but I was still too scared to yell back or do anything else. That's when I figured I would pick up my phone and take a photograph of his licence plate. In the past, this trick has scared a ton of auto guys, who then proceed to go away. This man on the other hand got so incredibly angry at the sight of my phone, that he grabbed my hand, yanked my phone off of me and hurled my phone to my face. Now my hand eye coordination is terrible but looks like I can duck quite well, so I ducked away from the phone. Except now my brand new phone has flown across the road, hit a nearby gate and plonked itself inside a ditch. That's when the quiet woman standing beside me looks around the street, which also has two men on bikes standing nearby talking to each, and loudly proclaims - this girl needs our help. You want to know what those two men did? Nothing. They just continued talking to each other like they heard nothing.

The slap
When I used to be in school I used to get into a fair bit of trouble over fighting but since then I have become what some people would call a chicken. I don't fight. I don't like it. I think it's messy and I always end up backing down. I always end up apologising even if it's not my fault. Which is why I still can't believe what I did next. When I saw my phone flying towards me and then towards the ditch, something snapped. How does someone get to do that to anyone??? I got into his auto (the backseat) and I slapped him across his face. I had silenced both of us by my action. He could not believe that this tiny girl in front of him (he was HUGE) had actually slapped him and I could not believe that my hands had flown across the air and made contact with his cheeks.

The police call
Once this guy had mishandled me I knew I had no other choice but to call the cops (even though I did not want to). So, I did. Told the operator where I was. By then the auto guy was shocked at the state of events. I don't think he ever thought me capable to calling the cops, but then I don't think he thought me capable to striking him either. The people from my office came down and surrounded the auto. We were a quiet bunch. He apologised. He said he was sorry. He asked me to call off the cops. He begged me and called me baby at least a million times. I didn't yell at him. I politely told him that he could apologise to the cops. At first he looked like he would hit me but I looked at him back squarely in the eyes and told him no man has the right to strike a woman. In fact no human has a right to go in for an unprovoked attack. What he did was wrong. The cops came ten minutes later. He tried to spin the story about how I had attacked him. Thankfully, the quiet woman (Debra) came forward and explained everything. She had even fished my phone out. It was damaged but like me it was still chugging along. The cops immediately sprung into action. I went back into my office. I may have had an eventful and exhausting morning but a girl's still got to work. The control room called me 15 minutes later to make sure I was fine.

Stop blaming the woman
There was a woman who at every point tried to stop me from calling the cops and asked me to let him go. Why? Because he is poor, she said. The man who was talking into a cellphone all morning is obviously so poor that he has every right to strike at a girl. You are told right from the beginning not to make an issue. Do not call the cops. Let him go, he's made a mistake. At what point do we get to defend ourselves and not be blamed for it? I took a photograph of his nameplate and I posted it on my Facebook wall because if you can avoid this particular specimen, you should. I am scared. I am petrified and for at least the next couple of weeks, I will be looking over my shoulder but I will also know I did the right thing. The next time he gets angry and wants to lash out, this man will think twice. He will not do this to another girl...or child or man or woman. I think the ordeal of the morning was worth it for only that reason.

Back to the universe
This brings me back to humanity and earth. Sure the two guys in their bikes looked like they couldn't be bothered and yes it's never fun when someone forcefully throws a phone at you but the woman never left my side. The lesson I learnt today is humanity is darn amazing and that you find kindness in the most unlikely places. The good humans make life pretty swell. So, I am not going to focus on the auto driver. I am not going to focus on the guys who did not come to my rescue or the woman who tried to dissuade me and sided instead with the man who threw something at me. My focus is on that one woman. My hero. The woman who stared at the street and proclaimed - 'I think this girl needs our help'. When no one showed up, she stayed anyway. She was the epitome of humanity. Who never left my side. I think she alone makes this planet at least one of the top 3 planets to call home and the human species one of the better species to be associated with.

P.S My phone wants you guys to know that it's doing okay now too. It stopped working for a while but has since decided that it will also not be bullied by auto drivers, gates or ditches. I think my phone was quite brave.

Eppur si muove

If someone was to ask me what phrase in the whole world nay universe, I love the most, I would turn around and quietly mumble 'Eppur si muove'. Legend has it when Galileo was asked to recant his proposition that it was actually Earth that revolved around the Sun, this great scientist boldly went - "eppur si muove" which loosely translates to - "And yet it moves."

Of course many historians have since debunked this theory entirely saying there is no actual evidence that Galileo, who was facing death at that point would risk his own life for his beliefs but the phrase has long struck an incredibly romantic notion in my head - that to have convictions is more important than going with flow.

Which of course is a huge problem for someone like me because I really like to be liked. More than anything in the world, I want to go unnoticed and be non-controversial...which is hard because I have always stuck out like a sore thumb ever since I was in school. I was not like most of my classmates. I didn't get their jokes, I didn't watch their movies and I was either fighting, lying or reading books under the table. I was also extremely outspoken which never helped my case with either teachers or the students. In short - I was really unpopular. While I had my friends (thankfully every school has more than one misfit), I still felt out of sorts and never able to be what I saw around me. Never really part of the gang. And if you want to be liked, you need to be part of the gang.

The reason I have been thinking about my school days and my own set of values is because recently I got into a rather nasty online fight with some former classmates. And it would have been entirely avoided had it not been for one tiny flaw in my own being - my conscience would not let it. I don't want to make this blog into an anti-Modi rant but suffice to say that I would not vote someone like him into any kind of office with power in my country because it will go against my own set of morals. He was there when the Gujarat riots took place. He was responsible for his people, their safety and as child, woman and man were slaughtered in what could only be comparable to a horror movie, I never thought I would see the day the man could possibly be voted into the highest office in my country. I find it shameful. But while I would never tell someone not to vote for someone specific, I also will not back out from voicing my own opinion.

And I did just that on my Facebook wall the day BJP announced that Modi would become their PM candidate. My heart sank and yet I only chose to make light of the situation and let it go. I didn't want to start a fight with anyone. If someone fought with me, it meant they didn't like me anymore and that would be horrible, at least in my own head. However to my greatest misfortune, the light tone of my status message quickly morphed into a nasty fight. The person who sat in the same classroom as me for years while growing up told me that once Modi became the PM, I would be tried for treason. I thought it was a joke. Surely someone who is educated would know that criticism was a central part of democracy and let him know just that. However it became more and more clear that no matter what I said, this person would not back down from his own views and his friends quickly joined in the pursuit. At this point to my own dismay (I blame lack of sleep and loads of irritation for what happened next), I stooped down to his level and became nasty myself for even though I begged him to leave the discussion, he would not.

Here's the thing that pissed me off the most about the discussion - it was never about the facts. He asked me if I was voting for the Italian and that made me very angry. Anyone who has chosen to be a citizen of India, gets to be called a citizen of India no matter where she was born and should enjoy the same rights as the rest of us. If we are not accepting of that, aren't we all racists ourselves? And then it became about how I am part of paid media. Another supposition without any facts. I write for a technology portal and I am too unimportant a person to be paid off to being a mouth piece for any party in the country. And by accusing me of selling my integrity for money, you reduce me to lowest strata of human existence and for me, my integrity is everything. If not anything, I am honest. I am not a cheap whore (in fact I believe prostitutes have more integrity than men and women who sell their values for instant gratification of money). His friends (and my former classmates I might add), joined it. It was a gang vs one and all I wanted to do was hide under the rock and cry for a while.

Which brings me back to Galileo. Whether he said it or not, he seems to have screwed me over. When someone asks me an opinion, I can't help myself, I have to seek out an answer within myself and reply. I can't just shrug and walk away. It's horrible but as much as I want to forget about Narendra Modi and be accepted by my peers, I know I can't. I have to say that he must at least acknowledge the riots. He must acknowledge what happened that time is a terrible affront to humanity. He must acknowledge he failed his people at that time. The thing is while there are many "leaders" in the country who were present for many riots and terrible acts that have taken place in this nation, none of them is standing up to become the nation's next prime minister. None of them calls themselves incorruptible.

The people who suffered and died? They are also my country men are they not? They are also human beings who deserve justice do they not? Who will stand up for them and their forgotten rights to human decency if not those who listen to their hearts? What face do I show the future generation when I tell them that I voted a man in simply because I wanted to become rich? What do I tell them when they ask me if human life is not as important as growth of industry?

Again with the Galileo. The world wants neat answers. They want solutions wrapped in a bow. Life for all its glory is unfortunately terribly messy. It's gross and ugly but beautiful at the same time. I struggle to find answers every day. I wrestle with the idea of what's right and wrong. And I know that at 25, I am more likely to be wrong than right. But I also know that if I live to be 50, I want to look back with some amount of pride. And that does not come with money. It comes with following Galileo into the gallows. So, while I want nothing more than to talk about Miley Cyrus twerking or Taylor Swift's latest song, I however will not stay quiet when someone talks about this man with praise.

I will acknowledge to them that while the industry in the state has grown, the human index has remained poor. Child malnutrition flourishes. Unemployment remains a huge problem within the state and the poor have remained poor. After which I would quietly point them to data and facts I have found during my research including Poverty amid prosperity, Gujarat’s Social Progress Yet To Match Economic Success, Mirage of development and Vibrant Gujarat: More Myth than Fact to make my case. I will be thrashed. I will be called names. I will be made fun of. There will be people who will hate me at the end of it. All of this makes me terribly sad to even think about. I want to be liked. Unfortunately I have Galileo sitting on my shoulder asking me to open my mouth and laud people like Amartya Sen and Amitavh Gosh (After Amartya Sen, author Amitav Ghosh says his vote won't go to Modi) and resign myself to the fact that my opinion unfortunately is not the popular opinion.

I remember reading Henry David Thoreau several years ago and being entranced by his words on civil disobedience. He said, "Can there not be a gov­ern­ment in which ma­jor­it­ies do not vir­tu­ally de­cide right and wrong, but con­science? — in which ma­jor­it­ies de­cide only those ques­tions to which the rule of ex­pe­di­ency is ap­pli­ca­ble? Must the cit­i­zen ever for a mo­ment, or in the least de­gree, re­sign his con­science to the leg­is­la­tor? Why has ev­ery man a con­science, then?".

I may not be right but I know I must follow my conscience. I also know the only way I can do that is by educating myself and arming myself with numbers which I do every day. Unfortunately none of that will help. Experience so far has taught me that people will only lash out at you. There will no happy ending at the end of this. No one will sit across fire and sing Kumbaya. Whatever happens in the next few years will divide the nation and its people and it breaks my heart. It will also lead to a lot more people hating me. But somewhere I hope the spirit of Galileo smiles and says - Eppur Si Muove...and yet it moves... 

My answer to the marriage question

I read a very interesting blog today. A friend of mine sent me this link via Twitter titled 26, UNMARRIED, AND CHILDLESS. Written by Amanda Bast, who is only a year older than me, she talks about how people around her have already started pressuring her to get a good job, get married and have kids as soon as possible. It was raw and honest and I liked what she wrote but she does not necessarily reflect how I feel.

I am 25, not married and yes childless. And yes, as a girl from a Tambrahm family conversations at most weddings, dinners and even random encounters on the street turn inevitably to my marital status. In fact, it was one of the questions thrown at me in an interview. These questions make me uncomfortable but not for the reasons you think. I am not in anyway yearning to marry Prince Charming and have little unicorn babies and paint rainbows. But I am at loss for words as to how to respond correctly to those questions. I feel uncomfortable not because I am behind the proverbial race but simply because I have no idea what the future holds. But I know there is a disconnect. After all every other day, yet another friend decorates their Facebook wall with engagement/wedding photographs and I put up photographs of me running in desolate parts of the country or my favourite football players.

But that does not mean that I am in anyway jealous or envious of those getting married. In fact truth be told, I love it when someone puts up photographs of their weddings and engagements and I peruse it with glee. I love the colours, the smiles, the happiness writ on their faces and hopefully love too. I do not in any way begrudge them. What I do hate is when someone comes up to me and asks me when I plan on taking the plunge. After all the clock is ticking away. So instead of telling every person individually that my sad existence is anything but sad, I decided to pen down my reply through this blog. This is my answer to everyone who has this image of single girls sitting at home depressed and eating chocolates and crying about not having a man in their lives (thanks a lot Bridget Jones!).

Hi sir/madame. It's very nice to meet you. I honestly do not know when I am getting married. I am not against marriages or weddings but I am simply not married yet. My life is full and filled with laughter and friendship. I have a good job and I am good at it. It gives me freedom to buy unnecessary things in life. Just the other day I bought rather expensive earphones for no reason. I have great friends. Yes, we fight sometimes but at the end of the day we are there for each other. I don't know how these friendships will hold in the future but for now they are solid. Touch wood. I have a wonderful if somewhat unorthodox relationship with my parents. They are more my friends than my authority figures. They advice me, they cajole me but they also let me make my own choices. I have a neurotic sister who worries about everything that I do. Yes, it's highly annoying but it's a blessing I am grateful for. I have a niece I am mad about. She is my favourite person in the whole world and my best friend. Yes, my best friend is a two year old who still poops her pants. Deal with it.

My life is filled with travel and even adventure. I love trekking. I have gone on midnight treks and have slept under the stars. You appreciate your existence more when you have stars for company. I recently took up running seriously. I used to run a long time ago but somewhere along the line, the pressure of keeping up with my peers took over exploring my own passions. I have found it again. I spend money travelling to various cities and running in races there. I am no more than a novice but someday soon I will scale up to a full marathon. I can talk about running in my sleep because it has given me so much more than I could ever imagine. I cycle. Not much but I have re-introduced that childhood hobby into my life and I am liking it more and more every day. I obsess over movies, music and books and I have a strong opinion about nearly everything in life including politics. I listen to Taylor Swift. There. I said it. Not all her songs but some of them are fun dammit! I watch movies with my friends, my parents and the guy at our local theatre knows me and my mom by our names. We are that unabashedly frequent. I do not diet. If there is a pizza, I am eating it. Screw you if you tell me about the fattening cheese and carb content. That pizza will be eaten by me. 

I do not know if I am religious but I am spiritual and I believe that nature should be respected and worshiped. I am not lonely. I do not know if I am getting married but when I do, it will not complete me. That other person will not be the puzzle missing in my life. He would be my companion. Hopefully my friend and someone who understands or at least tolerates it when I have to wake up at 4.45am in the morning to go for a run. He will not be my savior and nor will I save or complete him in any way. I am already complete. I do not eat chocolates when I am depressed and I love football more than I could possibly ever love a romantic comedy. Although I do like good romantic comedies as long as they have solid plots and do not star Reese Witherspoon or Katherine Heigl. And there is a good chance that I would one day end up being a 70 year old grandmother talking about Arsenal football club and beating young kids in video games on Playstation 1000. 

In other words I am blessed and am a happy individual with a lot going in my life.  I wear many hats including that of a daughter, sister, friend, Gooner and a runner. And that's enough for me right now. So, next time you meet me ask me about my life. Ask me about my interests, about my travels, about my adventures or if you want to be tortured with some rather passionate yet droll statistics, ask me about my football team. I will be more than happy to oblige you. But if you ask me about marriage, all you will get from me is a shrug. Honestly I don't feel like I am losing any race against my married peers. I am just running at my own speed. And there is no schedule or finish line here. The journey is what matters the most. I am a runner. I know this much.

Arsenal lost and my heart broke

It's very hard to explain the relationship between a football club and its fans (although there have been some excellent blogs, articles and even books written on the subject), but unless you are a fan, you will not understand the pain, the sweat and tears that goes along with supporting a team with all your heart.

My relationship with football and Arsenal began a long time ago and with every year it gets strengthened even through the bad times. It's always the same, during the season, my weekends are ruled by football matches and Arsenal games, during mid-week it's usually champions league games and rest of the time goes towards talking about the team. That first game of the season is always one filled with excitement -your boys are back home where they belong...where you belong.

But it's also a cause for real heart break. People who are non-fans will never understand why someone will spend their weekend in total depression, pouting, angry and ready to snap at anyone unless and until they come to feel as passionately about something as football fans do about their teams. Arsenal lost on Saturday and it's Monday right now and my mood is no better. I refused to get out of my bed on Sunday (despite pleas from both friends and family) and spent the day eating unhealthy food non-stop and watching old matches on Youtube. I must have spent hours watching players score goal after goal on their heyday.

Monday happened much too soon and with very little sleep and nearly no inclination to work, I showed up at work but ready only to talk about Arsenal. What were we going to do? Our team has lost its core players to injury, we have a tough Champions League game coming on Wednesday and we got no one. Sure it does not matter that my educated (and sometimes logical) brain keeps telling me that my own personal victories and defeats have nothing to do with the team. It's just a game.... But unfortunately how I feel is utterly different. I am embarrassed for the way we played (even though I had nothing to do with the 11 players who showed up to put up a fight against Aston Villa). I am upset we didn't win. I am angry that we have not signed any new players. It's my own personal defeat even though I have have no say in how the season pans out.

So, today in the throes of depression, I keep thinking back to those early days years ago when I became a fan. To be honest sometimes (like today) I wish I could go back in time and change my own history by not getting emotionally invested in a game and the club. After all, I meet a ton of people every day (my own father included), who watch football matches and have fun simply catching the games. They have no affiliations or minor ones if that and don't really care who wins or loses at the end of the day. They laugh during matches, they answer phones calls and they even switch channels in between to watch something else. Healthy people, oh how I hate them all and wish I could be one of them. I don't remember the last time I genuinely just sat down and watched a game in the EPL dispassionately and enjoyed it for what it was. I am always worried about how it affects Arsenal. I am tense and anxious and definitely will not even move a muscle during the game, let alone do anything as stupid as answer a phone call from either friends or family.

But then it does not change anything. Logically I know the healthy route but when it comes to football, it's my heart that dictates the rules. My relationship with Arsenal is one of the longest ones I have had with anyone or anything. Even though I am well aware that Arsenal is just a team, for me, it's like my best friend and my family. Arsenal is part of my life for better or for worse. It's part of who I am. I am Aishwarya. I am daughter, aunt and sister. I am a runner. I am a reporter. I am also a Gooner. It's my identity.

So, I am going to sit here and mope all day today and be decidedly upset. I am going to whine about how we have no chances of even finishing top four in the league unless Wenger signs some quality players. I am going to bite my nails incessantly as we approach the September 2nd deadline after which we have no chances of signing anyone. This has been me for years and this will be me in the future too. When I say - Arsenal till I die - it's my reality for today. Until that day arrives when I simply no longer care about what happens at the Emirates stadium and I am just a casual bystander to a sport I once loved, this is going to be me. I am Aishwarya. I am a Gooner and if it breaks my heart, so be it. 

Breaking up with Mr Khan

I blame myself for going to the movie. It's not like one expects quality film making from Rohit Shetty. So, I have no right to have gone to the movie with no expectations (I saw the trailer) and then sit here and bitch about one of the thinnest plots Bollywood cinema has ever seen. That's okay. I deserve this movie and by being part of the brigade that helped the movie cross the Rs 100 crore mark, I have also unwittingly become a catalyst for more such movies to be made. I have made Shah Rukh Khan richer and the country a little dumber. I don't get to whine. But then as I watched the climax of the movie, I wanted to kick every single male character in the movie swiftly in the nuts over and over and over again.

Why you ask? Well, let me take a minute and paint the climax if you will let me (*and yes, spoiler alert...yawn*). The hero (who constantly and annoyingly keeps harping on and on about the power of the 'common man'), has to fight the burly villain, while the heroine watches haplessly as her father holds her hand stopping her from going to the rescue of her one true love (a man she met days ago). Yup. In the last minutes of the movie, the girl is no more than a mute spectator, the damsel in distress and a total Kajol from the last scenes of Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (instead of calling him babuji, the heroine calls her dad, appa and begs him to let her go but never really puts up a fight). But the hero, played by Mr Khan gets to fight and beat up big burly men in a bid to prove his own manhood. Can you please kill me now?

One might wonder how in a movie filled with cliched tropes and failings, why I chose to be angry at the one stereotype that is unlikely to ever go out of fashion in Bollywood. It's because I was absolutely turned off by how helpless and victimised the girl looked in that scene and even if it preceded the so-called happy ending (come on you knew it was going to be a happy ending!), I was uncomfortable by how tied down the woman's hands were. Then as if she was a commodity, once the hero wins his battle, her father literally hands over the girl to the new alpha dog in the community. What's worse? The girl complies with it all these proceedings only too happily. In fact, Deepika Padukone exists in the film only to wear fabulous sarees that my mom and I salivated over and screw up BOTH Tamil and Hindi at the same time. For someone who is supposed to be a "village belle", her Tamil is so atrocious that any Tamilian would wonder what language she was truly speaking in. And she exists to set feminism back to the dark ages (or as I call it - 80s Bollywood cinema). In other words, the woman is total baukwas.

When I went to Chennai Express with my parents, I knew I was going to come out of a movie once again let down by Shah Rukh Khan but I came out livid and disappointed. Khan must have perpetually gotten a - 'can do better' - remark from his teachers back in school because that's exactly what he has been told since then with his career. When you watch Swades or Chak De or even Baazigar, you immediately forgive him for Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna and every other bad film he has made along the same vein. But at some point you have say enough is enough and beg him to stop making films that exist only to help you drop more IQ points. Sure, Salman Khan makes bad movies too (and yes they are truly bad movies) but you don't expect anything else from him but when you watch Darr, you are reminded of someone who once used to be fearless with his roles. And now with Ra.One and Chennai Express, he has become an unfortunate but strangely willing punchline.Yes, he has always overacted but he has also displayed flashes of brilliance (Paheli was quite good). You were convinced that maybe just maybe he can do better. But now I can officially say that he has failed in his career. He may be laughing all the way to the bank but he no longer can boast of any kind of credibility to ever call himself an actor. He may not be a terrorist (although he does terrorise us with his bad movies) but he is definitely not a thespian.

So, here I am, a long term Shah Rukh Khan fan, (who at one point had his poster up on her bedroom wall), writing a Dear John break up letter to the very man she loved a long time ago. I can't take it anymore. I am tired of making excuses for him ("come on guys, he was so endearing in Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa!") and have also officially fallen out of love with Mr Raj from DDLJ (I was 8 when I watched that movie and hence deserve to be cut some slack for falling one hundred per cent in love with that film). In a way Chennai Express is a blessing in disguise seeing as it has finally freed me. You see despite everything, I still continued to root for him even after watching him mix curd and spaghetti in Ra. One (because let's face it, every tambrahm mixes curd and Italian delicacies and then eats that concoction with their bare hands because we are that dumb). All it took for me for me to severe all ties from this "superstar" was to watch him in a lungi and gyrate alongside Padukone in a misguided tribute to the fabulous Rajnikanth. No, I am no longer his fan. Yes, I think he is a total sellout. And most importantly it has be iterated over and over again that he is no feminist as he purports himself to be (everyone by now knows about the Tata Tea advertisement). You see if he really thought men and women were created equal, he would not have had "his girl" passed around from man to man as though she was property. If he really believed in the power of his common man, his films would not show the common woman act stupidly (Jab Tak Hain Jaan!) or powerlessly. Screw you Shah Rukh. Goodbye. And just so you know....it's not me, this is all you babe.

What I know to be true

When I was a child, I knew what I wanted. I knew I loved love horror movies. I knew I wanted to become a writer even though I had no idea what I would write about. I knew I wanted to be Enid Blyton and be a part of someone's life the way she was part of mine. I knew I wanted to turn into a bookworm and drink in as many books as possible. I wanted to marry Prince William.

As I grew up I held onto what I knew about myself and I held to be true. I decided that I didn't like the outdoors and any world I needed to explore was right there in a wonderful book written by RK Narayan or Tolkien. Well, I wasn't wrong. I lived in more worlds than anyone could imagine and thought myself to be very happy. But then 2012 happened to me.

A person I thought was my friend tore me down, shredded me and walked away and I will forever be grateful to her because it was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. Because instead of judging people for their life choices (as she often encouraged me to do and I happily complied), I now had the opportunity to make my own stupid decisions without the fear of being called stupid.  I found new people in my life and I lost people in my life. Prince William got married and announced to the world that he was having a kid. Many things I thought were absolute truths disproved themselves and showed me their backs and walked away.

Suddenly it was the day the world was supposed to end and it didn't. The world did not end. No hammer from the sky emerged to dissolve us all into oblivion. And I realised that I had somehow turned 25; something I swore as a child I would never let happen, but then as a kid I also did not know that one generally does not win the race against time.

So, I decided to throw everything out of the window and just be. I took up trekking and slept under the stars alongside a bunch of strangers and yet I had never felt more safe knowing that I was truly a part of the universe, even if it was the most insignificant part of it. I began to run and realised that my body can do more than just hold a book and that it can literally take me places and allow me to explore the world from a whole new perspective. I went on a vacation for the first time in years. I wore a dress.

Suddenly I was living even though I had no clue how to do it in the "right way" anymore. Books became more meaningful somehow in ways I can't yet comprehend, perhaps because I had my own experiences to compare. And I have decided I will figure out who I am as I go along. One day I can be a philosopher and one day a teacher. I can quit everything and travel for months on end or get married and have 10 children. I like the confusion and the lack of direction because that means I am discovering new paths. And I have also decided that I never had any right (even by proxy) to judge anyone in life. People make mistakes but that only proves they are human. I make mistakes.

I know we live in a world where people bomb one another, kill one another and hurt one another. Where they pave paradise and put up parking lots. But that does not mean I will lose hope. I know with every day I become older but not quite wiser but I also know that at any given moment adorable puppies are being born and you can never be cynical in a world that has puppies. I also have made new truths along the way. And here are few that I think are true, at least for now -

• I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow so I refuse to worry about it today. Nothing is ever as good or bad you might think it is going to be, so there is only disappointment waiting for those with expectations. 
• Music makes life better. 
• Any MP3 player can be as good as an Ipod but most are not as expensive and hence can be a practical choices for someone who is very close to being broke and desperately wants music in her life. 
• Losing an ATM card is really the best thing to happen to someone as you inadvertently learn to live on a budget. 
• Having a lot of money does not necessarily make you happy. 
• Horror movies are better watched with friends.
• Mom may not always know the best but she shows up when it's important.
• You can learn everything you need to learn about life by watching your two year old niece kick a football for the first time in her life because in those moments you see a brand new human being learn how to fall and get up and try again. It's inspiring. 
• Youtube can lead to insomnia.
• A good run may not solve all your problems but you will feel better at the end of it.
• Never hold onto relationships that make you feel bad about yourself.
• Being cynical may be "cool" but being open and raw means you are courageous. 
• Walking through life with your heart in your hands is naive and stupid but infinitely better than walking around refusing to let anyone in. 
• Friends are worth getting your heart broken over.
• Curd rice is refreshing and healthy. 
• A good book can change your world.
• Unicorns exist.